The First Step

A thought to share before bed…and one I found appropriate for our "first" "day one". 

Sometimes it may feel as if we are not doing enough to help ourselves, as if we aren't going to get any better because we don't know what to do; where to go; who to talk to. We can end up feeling hopeless and defeated during the seemingly eternal struggle to get better. 

This is a feeling I can relate to quite well. Four nights ago was my breaking point. A fight with my boyfriend, a stressful day at work, a few physical health issues and hardly any sleep lead me to a breakdown. I had been off my meds and deep in a depression for the last month. I was suicidal, hysterical, and out of control. I made the decision to check myself into the hospital. 

What I wanted to happen was to be welcomed with open arms, told everything was going to be alright, and given all the resources to regaining health and happiness served up on a silver platter. Nope, that's not what happens. Turns out that if you don't have a believable plan, physical proof of self-harm, and a real aggressive attitude, you get turned away under advice to seek a counsellor. At 11 pm on a Thursday night after you've hit rock bottom, that is a really shitty feeling. And it certainly took me down a few notches. 

But I got back up. My boyfriend and my mom made me realize that, although I didn't get the help I wanted from admitting myself to the hospital, I made my own conscious decision to change. I have decided that I refuse to feel so hopelessly unhappy everyday. And, for today, that's quite enough :) 

Making the decision to get better is often the hardest but most important step on our journey. It is hard because it is terrifying… we have adapted to the life of depression and any other one seems scary. We are afraid of failure, of vulnerability, of treatment in general. It's important because the second you have made that decision to take a new step in a new direction, you are one step closer to happiness and one step further from depression. 

That's one big step, and that's enough for today. Be proud of yourself. You're awesome. 

SMILES :)